Stalking My Blog and Random Thoughts

Do people still write and read blogs? 

I just spent a bunch of hours over several days reading this blog from the beginning in 2009 to the last entry in 2018. It was a little like visiting an old friend. And a little like stalking a stranger. 

WHO WAS THAT PERSON? 

I remember her. I remember the artist who created every single day, who posted art every day, who joined challenges and facebook groups and went to art retreats. And ran an art-based business as a full time job. I remember her but I am no longer that person. It makes me sad, not in a "that person died" kind of way but more like I've been unfriended or blocked by myself. That person no longer exists in my life. 

I think that person started fading once my divorce was finalized in 2014. I went on for a few more years, trying to run a full time business and collect only 50% of the profits. I went to trade shows for a few years, business slowed down immensely during these years and when I was finally legally sole owner in 2019, it was on life support and I couldn't support myself at all. (I still have the business but it's become a labor of love at this point.) 

I re-entered the work force, and sort of dropped out of the art world. Because after long days taking care of other people's children, I came home and took care of my parent(s), there was no time to take care of myself, much less make art and do social media posts for the business and everything that goes with it. 

I am trying to find a work/family/life balance. I still have the soul of an artist, I can't deny that. But my art has become smaller scaled, "snacks" if you will. During work I would zendoodle on my ipad during breaks. I have a journal where I do zentangling and neurographic doodles. Small art journals where I can collage. This summer I picked up some Diamond Art Painting kits and while they are not exactly creative, they are very relaxing and meditative, which served me well while I recovered from surgery (another story, another time.) 

I still don't know what to do about the business. If I were to be my own therapist, I would tell myself "Self, you are holding onto the business because you don't want to let go of the old Lisa who was a full time artist and business owner (a life I loved.) You don't want to let go of that life you had." Which is dumb because that life also involved a shit marriage and power struggles and low self-esteem and bad energy. 

Every time I want to quit the business my mom talks me into continuing for a little longer, and I do, because myself as therapist would tell me "you feel like quitting the business means you failed and HE would win." Again, stupid, because I don't really give a shit anymore what HE thinks, I have had no contact with my ex for years, I am definitely NOT that person anymore. I just don't have time for it anymore, and I'm ok with that. My life is completely different than it was 8-10 years ago. I've grown, my priorities have changed, and I have to step out of limbo and make some decisions. 

I am slowly transitioning the business over to an etsy shop ("Artistcellarshop") I have had a few best-sellers listed there for nearly a year now, and I am going to move all the stencil designs over eventually and close the shopify shop. It will be cheaper to maintain and not as much work. And when I run out of inventory, that'll be it. Then it will be time to say goodbye to an old friend.