I just spent a bunch of hours over several
days reading this blog from the beginning in 2009 to the last entry in 2018. It
was a little like visiting an old friend. And a little like stalking a stranger.
WHO WAS THAT PERSON?
I remember her. I remember the artist who created every
single day, who posted art every day, who joined challenges and facebook groups
and went to art retreats. And ran an art-based business as a full time job. I
remember her but I am no longer that person. It makes me sad, not in a "that
person died" kind of way but more like I've been unfriended or blocked by
myself. That person no longer exists in my life.
I think that person started
fading once my divorce was finalized in 2014. I went on for a few more years,
trying to run a full time business and collect only 50% of the profits. I went
to trade shows for a few years, business slowed down immensely during these
years and when I was finally legally sole owner in 2019, it was on life support
and I couldn't support myself at all. (I still have the business but it's become
a labor of love at this point.)
I re-entered the work force, and sort of dropped
out of the art world. Because after long days taking care of other people's
children, I came home and took care of my parent(s), there was no time to take
care of myself, much less make art and do social media posts for the business
and everything that goes with it.
I am trying to find a work/family/life
balance. I still have the soul of an artist, I can't deny that. But my art has
become smaller scaled, "snacks" if you will. During work I would zendoodle on my
ipad during breaks. I have a journal where I do zentangling and neurographic
doodles. Small art journals where I can collage. This summer I picked up some
Diamond Art Painting kits and while they are not exactly creative, they are very
relaxing and meditative, which served me well while I recovered from surgery
(another story, another time.)
I still don't know what to do about the business.
If I were to be my own therapist, I would tell myself "Self, you are holding onto
the business because you don't want to let go of the old Lisa who was a full
time artist and business owner (a life I loved.) You don't want to let go of
that life you had." Which is dumb because that life also involved a shit
marriage and power struggles and low self-esteem and bad energy.
Every time I
want to quit the business my mom talks me into continuing for a little longer,
and I do, because myself as therapist would tell me "you feel like quitting the
business means you failed and HE would win." Again, stupid, because I don't
really give a shit anymore what HE thinks, I have had no contact with my ex for
years, I am definitely NOT that person anymore. I just don't have time for it
anymore, and I'm ok with that. My life is completely different than it was 8-10
years ago. I've grown, my priorities have changed, and I have to step out of
limbo and make some decisions.
I am slowly transitioning the business over to an
etsy shop ("Artistcellarshop") I have had a few best-sellers listed there for
nearly a year now, and I am going to move all the stencil designs over
eventually and close the shopify shop. It will be cheaper to maintain and not as
much work. And when I run out of inventory, that'll be it. Then it will be time
to say goodbye to an old friend.
