Life, Interrupted.

Dear Blog,
This is going to be the hardest post I've ever written. But first, I am so sorry for neglecting you for so long. I feel terrible about it. It has been quite a ride since the last post. I was mostly preoccupied with Artistcellar. We decided that we didn't want to wait until the new year to launch our new stencil line. And so we went full speed ahead through the ordering of supplies, designing graphics, making art for the inserts, manufacturing, and then packaging thousands of stencils. Whew. All without telling anyone what's going on. 

The launch on October 28th went well. People loved the stencils. We got a lot of positive feedback. We were drunk on the excitement and dreaming of future possibilities. Life was good. A few days later I got a phone call from my doctor. 

"You have breast cancer." 

Four little words. Never in my life did I imagine that I would hear those four little words said to ME. I've never smoked or did drugs. I don't drink alcohol. I eat good foods, and drink organic milk and filtered water. I'm healthy dammit! And then this? I have never been so mixed up emotionally. Along with the excitement of our stencil debut, I am angry, sad, scared, depressed, anxious and full of self pity. And tired. So mentally tired. Already. 

Where am I going to get the energy to kick this cancer's ass? I need a superhero costume...

My whole life has changed in a heartbeat. Some things just don't matter anymore. My family matters more than ever. My friends matter. As more people find out about my diagnosis, more love pours forth. I am amazed by the outpouring of support and prayers. The small stuff? Not sweating it. 

I feel like I have stepped out of my life's story, out of my book, and right into the middle of a new story, written in a foreign language. I'm lost. The door has closed behind me and locked me in this new world and I can't get back. It sucks. Like a bad episode of "Twilight Zone".

It's not fair. 

This Friday, December 2nd, I will have surgery. A lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy. My cancer is a Stage IIa, Grade 3, ER/PR+ and HER2+ (still learning the language...) In English, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, 2.5cm tumor, aggressive. After I heal from surgery I will start Chemotherapy for 3 months, then radiation therapy for 6 weeks. Targeted therapy for the HER2+ factor every 3 weeks for a year. Then hormone therapy for 5 years. (The worst drug I've ever taken? Tylenol 3. I promptly vomited. My body doesn't like drugs.)

I already feel like I am losing myself. Who I am. I don't know anymore... this isn't me. I want my old boring life back.

Dear Blog, I don't want to turn you into a "Cancer Blog" but I will occasionally write about my journey into the dark winter months ahead. I hope this doesn't bother anyone. I try to journal but I find myself gravitating towards the keyboard rather than a pen and paper. I am attempting to make art to help sort myself out but so far I just want to tear up pages and stomp on them. I'll get there. 

Goals: Get as healthy as I can before Chemo. Try to maintain a healthy mind and body during treatments. Collect some really kick-ass hats. Focus on Artistcellar because it may be the only thing that gets me through the day. Put on my warrior costume and fight like a girl. 

And  B R E A T H E 














 

I WON! I WON!

I'm jumping up and down doing a happy dance! My last post I shared a link for everyone to enter the free Lifebook class giveaway. The class spot was being given away by Effy Wild of Wild Precious Studio. I said "If I was meant to win, I will. If I wasn't meant to win, maybe YOU will." And I meant it sincerely. I guess Karma smiled upon me... because I won the spot! It wasn't the first entry I put in, it was this entry, the one where I shared the link with my friends. The only thing that's a bit sad is that I wish all my friends could win a spot and share this class with me. Be on the lookout for other giveaways. Every teacher will be giving one spot away, so go to Willowing to check out the teachers and their blogs. 

If you're too antsy to wait and try for a free spot, I highly encourage you to sign up for the Lifebook Course. For $99.00 you get 12 months of lessons, videos, PDF's, Community, and FUN with 14 different teachers. And if you sign up using THIS link and then tell Effy (Effyswild@gmail.com) that you signed up through her, you will get the FREE "Elements: Self-Guided e-course" at Wild Precious Studio! And of course along with the basic Lifebook package you get another FREE course with Tam, you can choose between 5 different courses. So that's a year of Lifebook and TWO self guided e-courses for one price! 

I will also be in the Elements course at Wild Precious, I hope to see you there. And for Tam's free course, I chose "World of Whimsy." I am SO excited about these courses!

I am not only feeling very lucky, I am feeling extremely grateful. Thank you to Effy and Tam, for all you do for the art world!

Lifebook Love

Every once in awhile I come across a class offering that resonates with me. Something "speaks" and I feel like if I don't listen I'll miss out on something wonderful. I've been pretty lucky in the past, I've won DVD's, beautiful jewelry, books from various blog giveaways and Effy Wild is giving away a free space in this Lifebook class. (Listen for the whine...) I waaaant toooo wiiiiiin this ooooone. (Thank you very much, thank you...) 

Okay, okay, since I believe that if I was meant to win, I will. If I was not meant to win, maybe YOU were meant to win. So I'm putting in a link to the giveway. Give it a shot and good luck! And I mean that. (Sarcasm free!) 

Lifebook giveaway

The teacher lineup is incredible... Just to name a FEW: the host- Tamara LaPorte (Willowing), Effy Wild, Gritty Jane, Connie Hozvicka, Jane Davenport, Jodi Ohl, Samantha Kira Harding, plus more to make 14 teachers total!

Sigh. Goddess of Luck, can you hear me now? How about now? Am I clear now? How about now?

Sunni Brown: Doodlers, unite! | Video on TED.com

A facebook friend of mine posted this on her wall and I HAD to share. My daughter is a doodler. And she's been "caught" doodling in the past, on her homework, on her schoolwork, on the backs of tests, while listening to the teacher read... I told her it's okay, but not sure everyone agrees with me. Take a look at this. It's not too long and well worth it.


Sunni Brown: Doodlers, unite! | Video on TED.com

How is this possible?

How can I be homesick for a place I've never lived? I was sitting in my office the other day (okay, it's really a dining room) and looked up at my Bar Harbor mermaid picture that I got from artist Russell D'Alessio and just felt... homesick.

Where I live now, I've lived my whole life. Minus ten years in the desert, an adventure, to say the least, but not a regret. It was a six hour drive to the Ocean, a weekend trip, which fulfilled me, sustained me, until next time. A week long trip down the Oregon Coast and I fell in love. Someday, I swore, I would live close to the ocean. I always thought it would be the Pacific Northwest. Somewhere near Portland. Oregon, that is. Certainly not Maine. That dream crumbled when we realized that the west coast was just not US. Too many people. Too expensive. Too close to Planet California.

It's strange. I'm not a swimmer. Or a surfer. Or a sailor. But I've always dreamed of the sea. I've written poetry about the sea. I feel happy when I see pictures of the sea. My favorite colors are sea and sky colors.

I want to be around the sea, not necessarily in it. I want to see it and smell it and taste the salty air.

Then we went to Maine. To be fair, it's the first time I've ever been to the East Coast. Mt Desert Island is the only place on the coast of Maine I've been. But I'm completely enamored. I feel like someone put a spell on me. I believe in love at first site again. I could live there. For the first time in years my husband was happy. I was happy. Celia was happy. 
(There are lots of rocks there.)

People tell me I'm crazy. (Not a secret.) They tell me it's really cold in Maine. (It's really cold in Chicago.) They say it's so far away. (Yeah. so...?) You'll have to do better to convince me. Especially when I sit in my car in the middle of the day on Roosevelt Road, in a crawling, bumper to bumper, horn honking, swearing, running red lights type of traffic jam. At one in the afternoon on a Thursday. I ask myself... Is it worth it? Is this what life is all about? Trying to breathe when there are a few million people sucking the air right out from in front of you?

I feel split in half. Half of me isn't "here" anymore. Half of me is wandering the shoreline. Yearning for a simpler life. Fresh air. Room to breathe. Nights dark enough to see the billions of stars that remind me how small and insignificant life is. And to not waste it anyway. The other half of me is surviving. Living in the endless overcrowded suburbs. Signing papers for mortgages and paying $7000 in property taxes and not even being able to get a library card. Watching my husband go to a job every day that physically makes him ill because the indoor air quality is so poor. Seeing my child grow up in an area where I don't feel safe anymore.

I miss the ocean, the salty spray, the waves crashing against the rocks, the seagulls crying.  I miss the color.

 

So now what?

 

How many of you are where you want to be? Doing what you love? Are you absolutely sure? Can you honestly say you're happy with your life? Do you deserve to be? Or is it an unattainable goal that you just dream of? 

And you end up just surviving life rather than living it?

Got Junk Mail?

Last winter, inspired by a friend's junk mail journal, I decided to make one of my own. God knows I get enough junk mail around here. Interestingly, most of the pages are credit card offers. I just gessoed and painted over them, sewed it up the binding, and then the fun part began. Embellish, embellish, embellish. Most of the embellishing used some type of junk or daily ephemera. Some I added from my stash. Some of the ATC's were made by my kidling. This is also my very first video I ever shot. I used my digital camera for this one, next one I will use my VideoCam. Enjoy!

A Fiber Arts Studio Tour

Last Saturday I went to a local Fiber Arts Studio in Big Rock, IL. It's called Esther's Place (I learned Esther is the name of a sheep!) and I think I'm still drooling a little bit. My friend's daughter is taking a spinning class there so Celia and I tagged along. Oh. My. Goodness. What a neat little shop filled with colorful soft wooly goodness. They say to fiber artists it's like a kid in a candy store, but I say it's more like crack to drug addict! (Not that I would know...) But seriously, what is it about little colorful balls of wool that make you feel so comfortable and cozy? Or maybe it was the owner's mother, Donna. Sweet lady, so easy to talk to, instant friend. She threw a bunch of wool roving on the table and let us sit and felt to our hearts content. 

I made a flower pin, my daughter's hands are working on a penguin and her friend Diana is busy with her creation. Diana and her sister and their mom are are pros at this. The whole family can do amazing things with yarn!

Every nook and cranny held some visual and textural delight, including this felted vessel. 

And how cute are these little curly haired felted sheep? Who knew you could felt natural curly sheep hair on a felted base like that? I didn't! And then there were the bins full of dyed curly hair! 

Oh, and who knew there was a MACHINE that could card your wool for you? I didn't either! 

I am in love with this wall hanging the owner, Natasha Lehrer, made. It just came back from an exhibit in Verona, Italy. It's made with hand dyed silk, wool, wire, cloth, oil pastels, beads and threads. It is absolutely gorgeous, pictures don't do it justice. 

Now I want to make one. I have a box of wool in various stages of "readiness" that my friend Anna sent me, and okay, like a crack addict, I HAD to have some of those colorful balls of goodness from here. (No, that's not my shopping cart, just a display!) I didn't know sheep come in so many different colors! (hehe)

Donna threw in for free, a felting foam pad and a couple of felting needles... and I have everything else I need to make something wonderful. I want to start out with a little mini project, abstract-like, maybe use some of the silk fibers and beads from my store, a little sparkle, a little bling...


Does anyone know where to start? What kind of base I would use? Any good fiber artists I should look up or you tube videos I should check out for inspiration? Any help would be appreciated!


Have a wild and wooly weekend!