Life, continued

I hate that I haven't had time to update my blog... things have been quite demented around here. Okay, in a good kind of way, I guess :-) I do have some updates on THE Cancer diagnosis. (I refuse to call it "MY" cancer because I'm not claiming it!) I met with a medical oncologist and a radiation oncologist to find out more about the treatment process. I also had to have a second surgery because the margins weren't clear after the first one. The good news was that the second surgery left a nice pocket of "nothing" and I found out I qualify for a newer radiation procedure called "brachytherapy". It's a High Density Radiation therapy where they insert a catheter of tubes inside the breast (picture an eggbeater here) and radiate the tissue from the inside. Fewer side effects and it only takes 5 days-twice a day rather than typical radiation therapy which is usually daily for 5-6 weeks. I've had the catheter in for about 10 days now and in a few hours I will have my last treatment and then the catheter will be removed. I tell ya, I'm looking forward to it. It's not easy to sleep with a bunch of tubes sticking out of your body! But then... Viola! Radiation treatments are over with. Woohoo!


Life is going to speed up from now on... next week I have a heart scan, chemo class, and a port put in my chest. On January 10th I start chemotherapy. I hope the folks in the chemo department are as nice as the folks in the radiation department. They helped me laugh and forget the reason I was laying on that table connected to "The Source" of radiation. Big shout out to the techs, therapists, nurses, physicists, and doctors at CDH Cancer Center in Winfield! 


So anyway... chemo will now be 18 weeks long. A big dose (TCH) every three weeks for 6 cycles and a smaller dose of just Herceptin every week in between. After the initial six cycles are over, the Herceptin can be scheduled for every three weeks until January 2013. So next step is getting through that ordeal... 


I've been dabbling in some art work here and there, in between filling orders and ordering merchandise for Artistcellar. We are working on adding some fantastic new art journaling supplies, coming soon. I'm trying to keep up with Wild Precious Studio, this is something I made during a livestream video that Effy Wild does called "Church of Art."  It's highly layered, something I need to practice :-)

And then there's the fear of Copic Markers. I love Copic Markers. They don't smell like the toxic markers I used to use in my younger days. They blend and are bright and colorful and I have a mess of them I've collected over the past year, a few here a few there a few on sale... I had the opportunity to buy some portrait colors at wholesale prices at CHA last summer.  I also still have a fear of drawing faces... so I decided to challenge myself and put the two together. Markers are unforgiving so it was a huge challenge for me. This face was done in ONLY markers. It might not get me an A in art class but I think it's pretty good for a Marker Portrait Virgin :-D 

My hands are twitching to some more art. I think I NEED to do something... so I'll keep you posted. I need to get going now... I hope everyone has a happy and safe new year celebration! See you in 2012!

Life, Interrupted.

Dear Blog,
This is going to be the hardest post I've ever written. But first, I am so sorry for neglecting you for so long. I feel terrible about it. It has been quite a ride since the last post. I was mostly preoccupied with Artistcellar. We decided that we didn't want to wait until the new year to launch our new stencil line. And so we went full speed ahead through the ordering of supplies, designing graphics, making art for the inserts, manufacturing, and then packaging thousands of stencils. Whew. All without telling anyone what's going on. 

The launch on October 28th went well. People loved the stencils. We got a lot of positive feedback. We were drunk on the excitement and dreaming of future possibilities. Life was good. A few days later I got a phone call from my doctor. 

"You have breast cancer." 

Four little words. Never in my life did I imagine that I would hear those four little words said to ME. I've never smoked or did drugs. I don't drink alcohol. I eat good foods, and drink organic milk and filtered water. I'm healthy dammit! And then this? I have never been so mixed up emotionally. Along with the excitement of our stencil debut, I am angry, sad, scared, depressed, anxious and full of self pity. And tired. So mentally tired. Already. 

Where am I going to get the energy to kick this cancer's ass? I need a superhero costume...

My whole life has changed in a heartbeat. Some things just don't matter anymore. My family matters more than ever. My friends matter. As more people find out about my diagnosis, more love pours forth. I am amazed by the outpouring of support and prayers. The small stuff? Not sweating it. 

I feel like I have stepped out of my life's story, out of my book, and right into the middle of a new story, written in a foreign language. I'm lost. The door has closed behind me and locked me in this new world and I can't get back. It sucks. Like a bad episode of "Twilight Zone".

It's not fair. 

This Friday, December 2nd, I will have surgery. A lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy. My cancer is a Stage IIa, Grade 3, ER/PR+ and HER2+ (still learning the language...) In English, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, 2.5cm tumor, aggressive. After I heal from surgery I will start Chemotherapy for 3 months, then radiation therapy for 6 weeks. Targeted therapy for the HER2+ factor every 3 weeks for a year. Then hormone therapy for 5 years. (The worst drug I've ever taken? Tylenol 3. I promptly vomited. My body doesn't like drugs.)

I already feel like I am losing myself. Who I am. I don't know anymore... this isn't me. I want my old boring life back.

Dear Blog, I don't want to turn you into a "Cancer Blog" but I will occasionally write about my journey into the dark winter months ahead. I hope this doesn't bother anyone. I try to journal but I find myself gravitating towards the keyboard rather than a pen and paper. I am attempting to make art to help sort myself out but so far I just want to tear up pages and stomp on them. I'll get there. 

Goals: Get as healthy as I can before Chemo. Try to maintain a healthy mind and body during treatments. Collect some really kick-ass hats. Focus on Artistcellar because it may be the only thing that gets me through the day. Put on my warrior costume and fight like a girl. 

And  B R E A T H E 














 

I WON! I WON!

I'm jumping up and down doing a happy dance! My last post I shared a link for everyone to enter the free Lifebook class giveaway. The class spot was being given away by Effy Wild of Wild Precious Studio. I said "If I was meant to win, I will. If I wasn't meant to win, maybe YOU will." And I meant it sincerely. I guess Karma smiled upon me... because I won the spot! It wasn't the first entry I put in, it was this entry, the one where I shared the link with my friends. The only thing that's a bit sad is that I wish all my friends could win a spot and share this class with me. Be on the lookout for other giveaways. Every teacher will be giving one spot away, so go to Willowing to check out the teachers and their blogs. 

If you're too antsy to wait and try for a free spot, I highly encourage you to sign up for the Lifebook Course. For $99.00 you get 12 months of lessons, videos, PDF's, Community, and FUN with 14 different teachers. And if you sign up using THIS link and then tell Effy (Effyswild@gmail.com) that you signed up through her, you will get the FREE "Elements: Self-Guided e-course" at Wild Precious Studio! And of course along with the basic Lifebook package you get another FREE course with Tam, you can choose between 5 different courses. So that's a year of Lifebook and TWO self guided e-courses for one price! 

I will also be in the Elements course at Wild Precious, I hope to see you there. And for Tam's free course, I chose "World of Whimsy." I am SO excited about these courses!

I am not only feeling very lucky, I am feeling extremely grateful. Thank you to Effy and Tam, for all you do for the art world!

Lifebook Love

Every once in awhile I come across a class offering that resonates with me. Something "speaks" and I feel like if I don't listen I'll miss out on something wonderful. I've been pretty lucky in the past, I've won DVD's, beautiful jewelry, books from various blog giveaways and Effy Wild is giving away a free space in this Lifebook class. (Listen for the whine...) I waaaant toooo wiiiiiin this ooooone. (Thank you very much, thank you...) 

Okay, okay, since I believe that if I was meant to win, I will. If I was not meant to win, maybe YOU were meant to win. So I'm putting in a link to the giveway. Give it a shot and good luck! And I mean that. (Sarcasm free!) 

Lifebook giveaway

The teacher lineup is incredible... Just to name a FEW: the host- Tamara LaPorte (Willowing), Effy Wild, Gritty Jane, Connie Hozvicka, Jane Davenport, Jodi Ohl, Samantha Kira Harding, plus more to make 14 teachers total!

Sigh. Goddess of Luck, can you hear me now? How about now? Am I clear now? How about now?

Sunni Brown: Doodlers, unite! | Video on TED.com

A facebook friend of mine posted this on her wall and I HAD to share. My daughter is a doodler. And she's been "caught" doodling in the past, on her homework, on her schoolwork, on the backs of tests, while listening to the teacher read... I told her it's okay, but not sure everyone agrees with me. Take a look at this. It's not too long and well worth it.


Sunni Brown: Doodlers, unite! | Video on TED.com

How is this possible?

How can I be homesick for a place I've never lived? I was sitting in my office the other day (okay, it's really a dining room) and looked up at my Bar Harbor mermaid picture that I got from artist Russell D'Alessio and just felt... homesick.

Where I live now, I've lived my whole life. Minus ten years in the desert, an adventure, to say the least, but not a regret. It was a six hour drive to the Ocean, a weekend trip, which fulfilled me, sustained me, until next time. A week long trip down the Oregon Coast and I fell in love. Someday, I swore, I would live close to the ocean. I always thought it would be the Pacific Northwest. Somewhere near Portland. Oregon, that is. Certainly not Maine. That dream crumbled when we realized that the west coast was just not US. Too many people. Too expensive. Too close to Planet California.

It's strange. I'm not a swimmer. Or a surfer. Or a sailor. But I've always dreamed of the sea. I've written poetry about the sea. I feel happy when I see pictures of the sea. My favorite colors are sea and sky colors.

I want to be around the sea, not necessarily in it. I want to see it and smell it and taste the salty air.

Then we went to Maine. To be fair, it's the first time I've ever been to the East Coast. Mt Desert Island is the only place on the coast of Maine I've been. But I'm completely enamored. I feel like someone put a spell on me. I believe in love at first site again. I could live there. For the first time in years my husband was happy. I was happy. Celia was happy. 
(There are lots of rocks there.)

People tell me I'm crazy. (Not a secret.) They tell me it's really cold in Maine. (It's really cold in Chicago.) They say it's so far away. (Yeah. so...?) You'll have to do better to convince me. Especially when I sit in my car in the middle of the day on Roosevelt Road, in a crawling, bumper to bumper, horn honking, swearing, running red lights type of traffic jam. At one in the afternoon on a Thursday. I ask myself... Is it worth it? Is this what life is all about? Trying to breathe when there are a few million people sucking the air right out from in front of you?

I feel split in half. Half of me isn't "here" anymore. Half of me is wandering the shoreline. Yearning for a simpler life. Fresh air. Room to breathe. Nights dark enough to see the billions of stars that remind me how small and insignificant life is. And to not waste it anyway. The other half of me is surviving. Living in the endless overcrowded suburbs. Signing papers for mortgages and paying $7000 in property taxes and not even being able to get a library card. Watching my husband go to a job every day that physically makes him ill because the indoor air quality is so poor. Seeing my child grow up in an area where I don't feel safe anymore.

I miss the ocean, the salty spray, the waves crashing against the rocks, the seagulls crying.  I miss the color.

 

So now what?

 

How many of you are where you want to be? Doing what you love? Are you absolutely sure? Can you honestly say you're happy with your life? Do you deserve to be? Or is it an unattainable goal that you just dream of? 

And you end up just surviving life rather than living it?

Got Junk Mail?

Last winter, inspired by a friend's junk mail journal, I decided to make one of my own. God knows I get enough junk mail around here. Interestingly, most of the pages are credit card offers. I just gessoed and painted over them, sewed it up the binding, and then the fun part began. Embellish, embellish, embellish. Most of the embellishing used some type of junk or daily ephemera. Some I added from my stash. Some of the ATC's were made by my kidling. This is also my very first video I ever shot. I used my digital camera for this one, next one I will use my VideoCam. Enjoy!