Stalking My Blog and Random Thoughts

Do people still write and read blogs? 

I just spent a bunch of hours over several days reading this blog from the beginning in 2009 to the last entry in 2018. It was a little like visiting an old friend. And a little like stalking a stranger. 

WHO WAS THAT PERSON? 

I remember her. I remember the artist who created every single day, who posted art every day, who joined challenges and facebook groups and went to art retreats. And ran an art-based business as a full time job. I remember her but I am no longer that person. It makes me sad, not in a "that person died" kind of way but more like I've been unfriended or blocked by myself. That person no longer exists in my life. 

I think that person started fading once my divorce was finalized in 2014. I went on for a few more years, trying to run a full time business and collect only 50% of the profits. I went to trade shows for a few years, business slowed down immensely during these years and when I was finally legally sole owner in 2019, it was on life support and I couldn't support myself at all. (I still have the business but it's become a labor of love at this point.) 

I re-entered the work force, and sort of dropped out of the art world. Because after long days taking care of other people's children, I came home and took care of my parent(s), there was no time to take care of myself, much less make art and do social media posts for the business and everything that goes with it. 

I am trying to find a work/family/life balance. I still have the soul of an artist, I can't deny that. But my art has become smaller scaled, "snacks" if you will. During work I would zendoodle on my ipad during breaks. I have a journal where I do zentangling and neurographic doodles. Small art journals where I can collage. This summer I picked up some Diamond Art Painting kits and while they are not exactly creative, they are very relaxing and meditative, which served me well while I recovered from surgery (another story, another time.) 

I still don't know what to do about the business. If I were to be my own therapist, I would tell myself "Self, you are holding onto the business because you don't want to let go of the old Lisa who was a full time artist and business owner (a life I loved.) You don't want to let go of that life you had." Which is dumb because that life also involved a shit marriage and power struggles and low self-esteem and bad energy. 

Every time I want to quit the business my mom talks me into continuing for a little longer, and I do, because myself as therapist would tell me "you feel like quitting the business means you failed and HE would win." Again, stupid, because I don't really give a shit anymore what HE thinks, I have had no contact with my ex for years, I am definitely NOT that person anymore. I just don't have time for it anymore, and I'm ok with that. My life is completely different than it was 8-10 years ago. I've grown, my priorities have changed, and I have to step out of limbo and make some decisions. 

I am slowly transitioning the business over to an etsy shop ("Artistcellarshop") I have had a few best-sellers listed there for nearly a year now, and I am going to move all the stencil designs over eventually and close the shopify shop. It will be cheaper to maintain and not as much work. And when I run out of inventory, that'll be it. Then it will be time to say goodbye to an old friend. 

When fate leads you down a dead end street

This past holiday break an interesting thing happened. Or didn't happen. I don't even know where to begin with this. I vague-booked on Facebook, which I don't do very often because I hate it when others do it. I don't know what to think... except that fate led me down a dead end street.

A New Day on the Horizon

I've always believed that things happen for a reason. Yes, all the crappy things that I had to go through, happened for a reason. At the time, if you told me such, I'd have a few choice words, but it always works out, right?

Let's flip the time-turner back about 10 years... My kiddo starts first grade and it's time for Mom to go back to work, to make use of that very expensive graduate degree. I applied for SO MANY jobs. Every school district within an hour, countless 20 page applications. If you're in the teaching field, you know what I'm talking about. It's not a 'send your resume' type of application... it's a "we want to know every thing about you and what you would do if this happened" type of application. It's all online and the district keeps your application for about a year, let's you know when it expires, and gives you a chance to renew it if you want.

In the time I was raising my baby, President Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act and I was left behind. It turns out that taking 7 years off from teaching is detrimental to getting back into the system. I was a teacher's aide in an ELL classroom, an aide in a special ed classroom, and a long term sub for several special ed teachers, but I never got a "real job" despite the many times I tried. So I quit and started a business, completely unrelated :-)

Life happened. Blah blah blah. Now I'm looking for a part time job while I go to school at night for a SLPA certificate (Speech Language Pathology Assistant) and continue to run the business. 

Back to the present... a week before Christmas, I get an email in my inbox from the Robo system inviting me to apply for a job as a part time special education teacher in a district I'm somewhat familiar with. TEN YEARS after I filled in an application for that district. TEN YEARS. Did I mention nobody keeps applications longer than one or two years max?

I am thinking Holy Moly. Where did THAT come from? It was surely meant to be! 

I went back into the system and spent about 4 hours revising the application to reflect current times, updating creating a new resume, researching the position and the district, etc. Hit SEND. The next day I get a phone call from the principal, inviting me to a phone interview. He said it really looked like I would be a good fit based on my past job experiences.

I was really excited. It was meant to be! Why else would this show up after TEN YEARS out of the system?

We had the phone interview and it went really well. The principal was really easy to talk to and I didn't say anything extra stupid. There was only one incidence where I drew a blank after being put on the spot with a "make up a goal for a student who has this problem" type of question. But he was cool about it. The job was supposed to start right after holiday break and go the rest of the school year. If it went well, a full time hire next year. It was part time, about 8-1:30, which would be ideal because I would still have time to run the business and work on school work. IDEAL, I tell you. A REAL job... as a special education teacher!

At the end of the phone interview he said he'd contact me the next day if I was chosen for an in-person interview with the team. Yeah! I totally got this!

I got the phone call.

"Sorry. We're going in another direction with this. Thanks for your time."

Back Where We Started. 

Crash and Burn. The worst part is... I really believed that this was possible. I wanted it. I visualized it. I imagined what it would be like. Why else would this totally random email show up in my inbox TEN YEARS later, offering such an opportunity?

Maybe the Universe is just F*cking with me again.

This is my brain trying to figure it out.

Scrambled, Poached or Broken? 

My only choice is to believe that it happened for a reason and some day I might know that reason.

Or maybe everything is just Random and nothing really matters.

A Little Shopping Miracle (aka Stitch Fix)

Some of you might know that I hate shopping*. I hate grocery shopping. I avoid shoe shopping for as long as possible. I absolutely detest bra shopping. And clothes shopping is right up there in the top four.

*Books and art supplies not included.

Anyway, very few people know that I am going back to college to get a certificate in SLPA (Speech and Language Pathology Assistant) It's something I needed to do to get my life together (damn thing keeps falling apart!) It will also allow me a more steady income, which will greatly reduce the stress of not ever knowing if I'll be able to pay the mortgage this month. Although the program is at the Community College Level, there is a sense of professionalism expected in the way we act, speak, and dress.

Which made me realize that 95% of my clothing either has holes in them, paint on them, or don't fit very well. When running a business from home, how I look is not a top priority when the only people who see me are... well, no one really. I also suffer from low self-confidence, for various reasons I won't discuss, a therapist helped me unearth. Which led me to a revelation.

Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. When you LOOK good, you FEEL good. Amiright?

I first discovered this during chemo when the American Cancer Society came along with their "Look Good Feel Better" program. Yes. Yes, it works.

I cleaned out my closet. Anything with a hole in it was binned. Anything ill fitting was put in a donation pile. Anything I didn't love anymore thrown in same pile, along with anything I haven't worn in several years for one reason or another. (I kept my date dresses because I believe in miracles and I might need them again.)

Remember the first line of this blog post? I hate shopping. I hate the thought of it. I hate dressing rooms with greenish fluorescent lighting that makes a pale girl look sickly. I hate walking around clothing racks not knowing what would look good, or what goes together, or what will fit. And while my angst grew, I kept seeing an ad on my FB timeline. Like a little nudge or whisper in my ear...

STITCH FIX

Yes, it's like hiring a personal stylist you never have to get naked in front of. How awesome is that? If you're not familiar with Stitch Fix, I'll give you the basics. You take an in-depth "survey" telling what sizes you are, how you like things to fit, what you like to flaunt/hide, what colors and patterns you like, and what sort of pieces you want based on various occasions. You can even tell them what price point you want. Once the stylist gets this information, she picks out 5 pieces of clothing and (if you choose) accessories. You get the box, you try the pieces on, you decide if you love/hate them, you send back what you don't want via a prepaid envelope. You do pay a $20 styling fee, which goes towards any purchase you make. If you decide that you hate everything, you have to pay the $20 anyway, but if you love all five pieces, you get a 25% discount on all the pieces (plus the $20 credit.) So that's the basics.

I filled out the survey and told the stylist I wanted a business casual outfit I could wear to an interview or wear to school for a "student professional" look. And went for it. And waited in anticipation... but seriously, let's face it. My expectations were low, I was prepared to be disappointed, because after all we were clothing this body. About a week later I received my box.

And LOVED everything.

Dammit. LOL. I'll show you...

She sent a beautiful maroon blazer.

A pair of black dress pants (casual leaning, not denim, with a nice front seaming detail.)

An adorable sleeveless polka dot blouse (navy background, white dots, split neck.)

Another cotton blouse in a faded-dot chambray fabric.

And a silver "Statement Necklace"

I tried it all on and it all fit really well (that was really shocking!) So how freaking adorable do I look?

This is the fit with the Chambray top.

Celia always makes me laugh.

The navy polka dotted blouse is something I would have never picked off the rack for myself, but I love it. It's really cute dressed down with jeans too.

So there ya have it. I had to buy everything in the box. Normally I wouldn't have spent money on a necklace because I'm really picky about jewelry and I really don't need any necklaces but this one was cute and it would have cost me more money to just send the necklace back and give up my 25% discount for the rest of the items. So with the styling fee credit and the 25% discount, it was a pretty reasonable price for all the pieces. (No, we are not talking Walmart or Target prices here, we are talking quality business-worthy clothing.) So I was a pretty happy customer and let my stylist know. I also let her know to not send any more jewelry :-)

So let's talk about quality over quantity. You can have a closet stuffed with crappy cheap ill fitting clothes, or you can have half a closet filled with quality well made and well fitting clothes. I am really happy with the quality of these pieces. The blazer is a really heavy knit (bonus because it's really comfortable and stretches instead of pulls across the back.) And it has a most adorable lining, bold black and white stripes vs a boring black nylon lining. One downside, pockets are fake. The pants are really thick fabric, not denim, but not cheap-feeling poly either. It has a nice front seam detail that elongates the leg (says the stylist) and has a skinny fit. Another thing I wouldn't have picked out myself! No pockets either, but I get it because pockets would add bulk (as would the phone you'd want to put in the pocket!) The blouse is a thin flowy fabric, but not see-through. Cool enough for summer days and fall evenings with a jacket over. The Chambray shirt is a nice weight cotton, not too thin, not too thick. The seams are sewn well, the details are nice.

Most importantly, it makes me feel good wearing these pieces. When you look good, you feel good, and it does amazing things to your confidence!

I would totally recommend trying Stitch Fix. It's not for everybody. I've watched some "unboxing videos" on youtube where it didn't quite work out as well as mine did. But you can cancel the service any time, they don't automatically charge you monthly, they only charge when you tell them what you want. (You have three days to try on and decide what to keep/send back.) You decide how often you want a box, or if you just want one on demand for a special occasion. (I like the no obligation/no auto CC charges!)

If you want to try it, I would really appreciate it if you used my referral link:  STITCH FIX
If you refer a friend, you get a $25 credit towards your box, and for me, every little bit counts. And when you get a box, you can use a referral link for credit too :-)

Um, and I may or may not be getting my second box next week :-D

Things You Need to Hear: I Deserve.

I'm taking this class with Effy Wild called Facing Forward II: Things You Need to Hear. I thought it was appropriate. There are LOTS of things I NEED to hear, and I'm working on it.  The theme for the first week was: 

I deserve. 

Boy, I have struggled with this my whole life. I don't think it came from childhood, my parents always made sure I felt loved and had everything I needed, including that set of 64 Prismacolor Colored Pencils and working cameras. I suppose that feeling of not deserving came from adulthood... no one ever directly told me I didn't deserve, but I guess actions always speak louder than words. School, jobs, relationships...

I never felt like I could live up to the expectations of others. 

I was never good enough. I didn't do things right. I didn't look like I  was expected to. I didn't wear the right clothes. I wasn't the right weight. I hung around with the wrong people. I didn't have the right kind of job. I didn't watch the right TV shows. 

It was exhausting. And with each expectation that wasn't met, my self esteem plummeted a little lower, until I developed an attitude of What's the use? Why bother even trying? I can't do anything right. It doesn't matter. After awhile with that attitude, things die inside. The heart breaks, the soul suffers. Thoughts turn into It doesn't matter. I don't matter. 

I don't matter subsequently turns into I don't deserve any better.  

It's taken me about 5 years to declare that utter and complete Bullshit. Of course I matter. If not to myself, then to my daughter, my parents, my siblings, my friends, my dog. I deserve to be loved for who I am, not for who others want me to be. Let me repeat that because it's really important... "I deserve to be loved for who I am, not for who others want me to be." 

I deserve because I am human. 

I deserve to be loved, and to love. 
I deserve to do things that make me happy. 
I deserve to feel joy. 
I deserve abundance. 
I deserve respect. 
I deserve kindness.

I have come a long way the past few years. I have learned a lot about myself, mainly that I matter. I have found my voice again, I have found my confidence again. I have some great friends who support me, a family that loves me. I actually like myself again. I cringe when I think back at all the times I've said I hate myself. I hate my body! 

(Dear Body, I apologize profusely for the way I've treated you in the past. You have been through so much physical and emotional abuse. I appreciate your strength and stamina. You deserve to be loved. And you deserve a lover who treats you with kindness...) 

I think the key is that I no longer feel unworthy of basic human rights. I give myself permission to feel joy, even if the dishes aren't washed or there are dust-puppies in the corner. Even if I weigh more than I should, or would rather take a nap than go for a walk. And I am worthy of respect, from myself and from others. 

I even met a great guy who treats me with the respect I deserve. (He opened the car door for me! Holy crap, when was the last time that happened?!) We are still in the early stages, appreciating the present moment and not placing expectation on the future. We are enjoying each other's company because we both deserve it. 

I think the world would be a better place if people felt like they deserved love. Because then they wouldn't allow others to steal their joy and confidence and respect that they also deserve. If you didn't feel worthy growing up, then feel it now, give it to yourself. You deserve it, I promise. 

And I deserve it. 

P.S. If you are interested in learning more about this class, Effy has generously provided a discount. I am not being paid to promote this, I am doing it out of love :-) 
Facing Forward 2: The Things we Need to Hear. 

Maintaining Balance in a Crazy World

Listen friends, I'm gonna get real here. I haven't said much on this subject, thinking I'm going to keep an open mind. There is a reason that all this Facebook "unfriending" is going on right now. We would all like to believe that "just because we have different opinions we can still be friends." I'm not sure about that. We choose friends because they are like us, no? They support us, they have similar values and ethics and morals. I'm not talking about -you love cats, I love dogs- types of differences, I'm talking about basic values, so many examples to choose from. Is it okay to lie? Is it okay to cheat and steal and take advantage of people? Is it okay to disrespect others, mock them, unfairly generalize? *I* believe it is NOT okay. If *you* believe it IS okay, then there is a fundamental difference between us. It's simple. 

Yes, you are entitled to your opinions. Yes, you have the right to believe what you want to believe. Yes, I will even listen to your viewpoint. It's my right to disagree and it's my right to express my own opinions. Sometimes I even express those opinions on Facebook. I have very strong opinions (which I try to base on fact) and I sometimes share them, but I really try to refrain from attacking others personally. That's part of MY value system... 

We can't do anything about family members except try to understand their point of view. What happened in the "history of them" that causes them to think they way they think? Sometimes we know their stories, sometimes we don't. We can still love them and respect them, but we don't have to agree with them. That's family, you can't get rid of them. But friends are family members we CHOOSE. I am going to choose ones that reflect my moral values. Simple. 

Of course there are different levels of friendship. The ones I keep physically close are going to be the ones whose values I have the most in common with. I have to live with them after all :-) Sure, there are always some differences, maybe there are one or two things we may disagree on, but we always have MORE in common than less. We can always respectfully agree to disagree if the issue isn't huge. It's human nature to surround ourselves with people who have similar beliefs. Would I choose to be friends with a mass murderer? No. That's called a HUGE moral issue. 

When we up our level of friendship into relationships, the same rules apply. The guy I am currently seeing, asked before we even met for the first time, who I support in this election. You have no idea how relieved I was that *he* brought it up and how relieved I was to find that the answer meant we had similar values. It's NOT about being open-minded. It's about being similar-minded. It's about being emotionally connected with someone who agrees with your morals and values. Simple. 

This election is causing extremely heightened emotions. I would even use the term "frenzied." I always encourage others to practice tolerance. I always try to practice tolerance. Be open minded and listen to others and if you must, agree to disagree and move on. But know that there is NO shame in wanting to sever ties if someone is being emotionally abusive, or if you feel bullied. It's called protecting yourself. If, in real life, your friend physically hit you, would you remain friends? If your friend humiliated you and made you feel ashamed of who you are, would you remain friends? I would hope not. So if someone on Facebook is engaging in that type of behavior with their words, it's okay to let them go.

Life is not black and white, right or wrong. It's a series of compromises on a sliding scale. When the scale tips, and things are out of balance, do what you have to, to bring it back to balance. You can't make positive changes in the world if you are bombarded with negativity and agree to wear it like a cloak. There is NO shame in letting go of things that bring dissonance in your life. But let them go gently please, with kindness.

Becoming Visible, Introverts, and Dogs

It's funny. When I first got my dog, I had been living in my townhouse for about 20 months. In that time, I had one conversation with my neighbor to the west. A few hellos from the neighbor to the east. That's about it. The first day I brought my dog home, I had her in the front yard, and suddenly, I exist! A neighbor a few units down, ran out with her dog and introduced themselves. A neighbor at the end of the court came over to meet the new dog on the block. The family with two small children came over to meet and pet the new doggy (while the Mom not so subtly mentioned how much of the dog there was to love.)

Well, in hindsight, they weren't really meeting me, but rather, meeting my dog.

Ruby's Happy Place 

Nothing brings people together like a dog. Will I walk up to a complete stranger and start talking? Nope. Will I walk up to a complete stranger and start talking about how cute/big/small/furry/well behaved their dog is? You betcha. And vice-versa. I can sit on a park bench in a crowded park and people would walk past and not give me second glance.  I could probably pose naked on a park bench and still people would walk past and not see me. But sit my cute little (big) doggy next to me, all she has to do is make eye contact while wiggling her butt and people will stop and chat and want to pet her, and yes, they even talk to me.

Becoming Visible

Is it because most humans like their pets more than they like people? (I confess, I like my dog more than I like some people.) Do animals give us an immediate "safe zone" to be in while meeting other people? Is it just something in common?

Some friends Ruby made at the forest preserve

I feel like my dog has made me human again. A visible human. There are some weekends, when I am by myself, I doubt I would even leave the house if it weren't for my dog needing to go out. I have to make a conscious decision to get in my car and take her to a public park, just so I can interact with other human beings, or at least their dogs.

Such is the life of an introvert.

What do you think? Does your dog make you more social?

It's not MY problem!

This. Attitude. Drives me crazy.

"It's not MY problem! Why should *I* have to (fill in the blank)?"

I am an observer of humans on this planet. My daughter might call me a stalker. I prefer "noticer" or "overhearer" (yes, I just made that word up.) So many opportunities present themselves to me, to overhear. And think about. I'm also an over thinker.

Shhh. I'm stalk uh, noticing something... 

This morning I was sitting in a waiting room, waiting and reading and overhearing.

"OMG I had to pay my property taxes! I hate that I have to come up with all that money twice a year."

"I know! It sucks! I hate paying the taxes. I hate having to pay for the school system. My children don't even go to school here anymore. And the library! Why should I have to pay for the library when I never even use the library? It's such a waste of my money."

"Right? My kids are grown too. But I still have to come up with $6000 every six months to pay for stuff I no longer use."

(By the way, if your property taxes are $12,000 a year, you should be pretty damn grateful that you are living in a really big house in an excellent neighborhood with a great school system.)

Also, one of the women chose to not have her property taxes rolled into her mortgage. And then complains that she has to "come up with the money." The other woman thought of a hundred things she'd rather do with the money, like put it towards that vacation home up north. That's why she decided to rent instead of own a home. (Guess what? You're still paying taxes, it's just part of your rent!)

So here's the thing. I know that nobody happily skips to the bank every 6 months to joyfully surrender thousands of dollars to pay their taxes. But we all do it. Why?

Because we live in a COMMUNITY, that's why. Our nation was founded based on a taxation system. That local property tax money goes towards keeping our roads maintained (which I'm betting they use daily.) It pays for their parks and open spaces (the ones they walk their dogs in.) And it goes towards libraries (which consist of much more than just books.) It goes towards police and fire departments (which you bet your ass they'd use if their house was burning down.) It goes towards social services, and yes, it goes towards schools (that their children have already gone through!)

When you decide to live in a community, it's your duty to support that community while you live there. If you don't want to pay a lot of taxes, move to an isolated area that has shitty schools and shitty roads and you have to wait 30 minutes for a fire truck to put out your fire. Oh wait, you don't want your kids to go to shitty schools? You don't want to wait half an hour for an ambulance or fire truck? You want to live in an area that has an excellent school district for YOUR child? You want to live in a large $400K home? Then pay up.

I suppose it's your choice to live in an area with an excellent school district while your child attends school, and a great library system while your child is eligible for story time. THEN when you no longer need these services, you can abandon the community that supported you and go live on a mountain. But remember... when you fall and break your hip...

You see, it is your problem. And my problem. Because we live in a society with other people. And our schools need money to pay for teachers to teach everyone's children. Not just yours. You are paying for your future, the children who come after your children leave the system. Your grandchildren, your neighbor's children, the children who will take care of you when you are old. You better make sure they get a good education! 

Can you imagine a world where everyone is in it for themselves and don't give a shit about anyone else? (Yes, I can almost imagine it... I know people who think that would make America great again.) I'm not even talking about people living in poverty, or the homeless (although yes, your tax dollars are putting homeless children through school and probably feeding them lunch too. They are human, they deserve an education as much as your child does.)

I paid for this sidewalk and street, you can't use it.

I am simply talking about people who choose (and are able to) live in an upper-middle class neighborhood, who have already used resources to their advantage, but complain about paying "for other people."

I paid for this park, you can't walk your dog here. 

Guess what? To me, YOU are "other people." And I will pay for the library so we can both enjoy free concerts on Tuesday nights and story time for your grandchildren. And I will pay for the fire department to send out a truck when you burn your toast and start a fire. And I will pay for schools to provide an excellent education for ALL our children, so people will want to move here and help me with my tax burden.

You see, we are all connected. We are all in this life together. We are one. Yes, even you.